[bigolsparky]

Wirelessly posted (8310)

I recently got divorced after being married for over eighteen years and having three kids. While my wife actually filed for the divorce, the incompatability for us was mutual and we probably stayed married about 5 years too long, for our kids' sake but in time our marraige became as unbearable for our kids as it was for us.

My family has been very supportive, but I really don't have a lot of freinds other than family I can talk to about this as they are all married. I am also back in church, hoping that I can get some direction in my life from that.

I have been on a date since my divorce and I am clearly not mentally ready for that. It was too soon and I am sure that time and the approval of my kids will change that.

I started this thread so that all of the good people I have met on this forum and also those I haven't met can share how they deal with the pain and confusion that comes from this life altering experience.

[ezrunner]

Wirelessly posted (overwhelmingly stressed)

Wow, that is definitely a life altering experience. While I have no personal experience with matters such as this, I have many friends in this situation. One thing I have learned from them, take your time no need to rush and talk with someone counceling or if even to a priest. Perhaps this thread here on BBF will serve that purpose. As far as attending church very good idea, a friend once told me "when speaking with god don't ask for him to tell you how to fix something ask him for clarity" once you have clarity you will be able to see where you will need to go! Hope that makes sense

[dc/dc]

I'm with EZ. I've never been married, but when I look at all the things my friends and family have gone through, it certainly shows what I should and shouldn't do in a marriage. Learn from other's mistakes, and take cues from others triumphs.

[Irish Rose]

I am sorry to hear about your bad experience here bigolsparky, and hope things will get better for you in time. I don't have any experience with divorce, however, two of my friends did go through it, and ended up in a better relationship the second time around. I think going to church is a step in the right direction for you, as well as keeping yourself involved in your community............ Good luck.

[bigolsparky]

Wirelessly posted (8310)

I also forgot to mention the tremendous support I have gotten from my work family. I work for an employee owned company (ESOP) and this family has been a great source of support for me. I consider myself very fortunate to work for such a great company.

[kathrynhr]

Wow. OK, first: I'm sorry you're going through all this.

I divorced in 2001. I was 27 years old at the time, and I had a 2 year old son that I was supporting entirely on my own. I'll spare everyone the details of the divorce itself; we've all been through breakups.

It wasn't easy. I was the one who left, so everyone of our mutual acquaintance blamed me for the divorce. My family (picture rural southern Christians) did not know the details of our breakup and they did not approve of my decision at all. I received many speeches, sermons and dire warnings.

Loneliness is the biggest side-effect of divorce. The world is made for couples and filled with cutesy little ampersands. If you're not part of that, especially once you've grown used to it, it really feels as if you're left out. It's very burdensome. Even when you're struggling with someone every day, the fact that there's someone there to struggle with is a comfort. Personally, I found going from married to single a lot like trying to write with my left hand after years of using my right. It's possible, but it feels awkward, it takes a lot of extra work, it's messy, and the results are not something you want to display to the public.

I believe you will find that the best antidote to the loneliness you feel right now is the company of same-sex friends. Church is a great place to begin, not only because Christian faith is such a powerful agent of relief, but also because churches -- especially larger ones -- tend to have lots of separate events for men and women.

I don't advise you to decide that you absolutely will not date, because that may create the "forbidden fruit" scenario. I also don't advise you to seek people out for the purpose of dating. Healthy women seek out healthy men and right now you are not healthy. That means the women you will attract right now will be of the bat-crazy variety. Really.

The only major piece of advice about dating with kids that I will offer is this: any woman you are dating should meet your children as soon as they become aware of her existence. Even if it's as simple as "running into her" in a store somewhere. Do not under any circumstances allow them to sit around imagining things about this other person, or feel as though you are hiding (even more) things from them.

Finally, E. M. Forster once wrote that, "The possession of leisure is a wonderful opportunity." If there's one good thing about your new situation, that's it. Your time is now your own in much greater measure than before. When you wonder what to do next, ask yourself what you've always wanted to do and never got around to doing. Motorcycling? Parasailing? Building a deck? Learning to kickbox? The world is your oyster. Go for it!

Best of luck to you.

Kathryn

[ndub33]

Kathrynhr says some good stuff. I'll only add these two thoughts:

As one door closes, another one invariably opens eventually.

Stuff happens for a reason. I'm not a particularly religious individual, but I have seen this to be true in my own life.

[jsconyers]

Originally Posted by kathrynhr

Wow. OK, first: I'm sorry you're going through all this.

I divorced in 2001. I was 27 years old at the time, and I had a 2 year old son that I was supporting entirely on my own. I'll spare everyone the details of the divorce itself; we've all been through breakups.

It wasn't easy. I was the one who left, so everyone of our mutual acquaintance blamed me for the divorce. My family (picture rural southern Christians) did not know the details of our breakup and they did not approve of my decision at all. I received many speeches, sermons and dire warnings.

Loneliness is the biggest side-effect of divorce. The world is made for couples and filled with cutesy little ampersands. If you're not part of that, especially once you've grown used to it, it really feels as if you're left out. It's very burdensome. Even when you're struggling with someone every day, the fact that there's someone there to struggle with is a comfort. Personally, I found going from married to single a lot like trying to write with my left hand after years of using my right. It's possible, but it feels awkward, it takes a lot of extra work, it's messy, and the results are not something you want to display to the public.

I believe you will find that the best antidote to the loneliness you feel right now is the company of same-sex friends. Church is a great place to begin, not only because Christian faith is such a powerful agent of relief, but also because churches -- especially larger ones -- tend to have lots of separate events for men and women.

I don't advise you to decide that you absolutely will not date, because that may create the "forbidden fruit" scenario. I also don't advise you to seek people out for the purpose of dating. Healthy women seek out healthy men and right now you are not healthy. That means the women you will attract right now will be of the bat-crazy variety. Really.

The only major piece of advice about dating with kids that I will offer is this: any woman you are dating should meet your children as soon as they become aware of her existence. Even if it's as simple as "running into her" in a store somewhere. Do not under any circumstances allow them to sit around imagining things about this other person, or feel as though you are hiding (even more) things from them.

Finally, E. M. Forster once wrote that, "The possession of leisure is a wonderful opportunity." If there's one good thing about your new situation, that's it. Your time is now your own in much greater measure than before. When you wonder what to do next, ask yourself what you've always wanted to do and never got around to doing. Motorcycling? Parasailing? Building a deck? Learning to kickbox? The world is your oyster. Go for it!

Best of luck to you.

Kathryn

+2. Very well said!

[bigolsparky]

kathrynhr,

I appreciate your perspective.

I also hate to hear of your divorce, but you seem to have moved on and that is what I am hoping for as well. While I do feel a great peace outside the very tense environment I was in when I was married, I am still a little fragile around women and I believe that your comment about the bat-crazy women may be dead on, as I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not giving up completly on dating either, I will just be a little more selective in the future.

A lot of what I have done thus far has been a knee jerk reaction to my confinement in an apartment with a little too much time to think about what I am supposed to be doing. I initially said that I could never get married again, but I know now that that is not necessarily true. I know there are plenty of good women out there, I just have to be selective as to where I look for them.

For now I am going to be patient and give myself some time to heal.

[kathrynhr]

Originally Posted by bigolsparky

For now I am going to be patient and give myself some time to heal.

Good.

Yes, I have moved on. I remarried 4 years after my divorce, and although my second marriage has its own set of stress-inducers (I married a man with six children, for one thing), I am very happy today. My marriage today is one of faith-sharing equals. My first marriage was not.

I pray the same will also be true for you. In the meantime I hope you will put all thoughts of women aside and focus instead on becoming a better and more well-rounded man (which is, in fact, the best way to get a good woman).

[ezrunner]

Time heals

you had 18 years so something was there at some point. Kathrynhr has a very good perspective, full of plenty of knowledge and wisdom from what i have seen posted here and other areas.

Her suggestion of getting out and doing things particularly sthings you have always wanted to do but didn't is a MARVELOUS idea!

Lost my job and had way to much time on my hands, I started doing things I wanted to. Built Deck for my dad, put in fence for my brother. Started writing again, picked up the guitar for the first time in ages/YEARS. I know different scenarios but the empty time is what gets to you. Fill it with something, volunteer at a kids program, feed the homeless, anything but get out of the confines of the apartment!

[003402]

I have been married for 17 years, was probably on my way to divorce and didn't know it. I had become too involved in my own stuff, wasn't engaging wife or the kids. Got the shock notice from the wife that we were on that path.

I am glad to say, we are no longer on that path. Basically needed a kick-in the n*ts from the wife to realize what I was doing. Based on some replanning of my activities and such, we are back on track. the key was taking time to really talk to one another and engage the kids.

[Giselle9938]

Well, I got pregnant at the age of 17 and I got married. I was a victim of domestic violence, physical and emotional abuse for more than 4 years. I was not able to talk to my family, my friends or neighbors. I was scared and it was a really hard time for me. Until one day I ran away with my daughters and that was the best decision I ever made in my life. I though I was alone and everybody was going to blame me for what happened but my family and my friends had been my support. Its hard to move on but is not impossible. Now Ixxx8217;m raising my daughters by myself and Ixxx8217;m happy with my life.

My best advice is to take time for yourself and stay close to your family and friends.

[akosnitzky]

Wirelessly posted (Its All About the U!)

Originally Posted by 003402

I have been married for 17 years, was probably on my way to divorce and didn't know it. I had become too involved in my own stuff, wasn't engaging wife or the kids. Got the shock notice from the wife that we were on that path.

I am glad to say, we are no longer on that path. Basically needed a kick-in the n*ts from the wife to realize what I was doing. Based on some replanning of my activities and such, we are back on track. the key was taking time to really talk to one another and engage the kids.

I think we could guess what that shock notice was for you.

[akosnitzky]

Wirelessly posted (Its All About the U!)

I'm married 14 yrs.
Cheapa to keepa

[Backnblack]

Originally Posted by bigolsparky

[SIZE=1]life altering experience.

Best thing I ever did was show my POS Ex the door....Made my life 100% better.