[jsconyers]

Originally Posted by kathrynhr

Wow. OK, first: I'm sorry you're going through all this.

I divorced in 2001. I was 27 years old at the time, and I had a 2 year old son that I was supporting entirely on my own. I'll spare everyone the details of the divorce itself; we've all been through breakups.

It wasn't easy. I was the one who left, so everyone of our mutual acquaintance blamed me for the divorce. My family (picture rural southern Christians) did not know the details of our breakup and they did not approve of my decision at all. I received many speeches, sermons and dire warnings.

Loneliness is the biggest side-effect of divorce. The world is made for couples and filled with cutesy little ampersands. If you're not part of that, especially once you've grown used to it, it really feels as if you're left out. It's very burdensome. Even when you're struggling with someone every day, the fact that there's someone there to struggle with is a comfort. Personally, I found going from married to single a lot like trying to write with my left hand after years of using my right. It's possible, but it feels awkward, it takes a lot of extra work, it's messy, and the results are not something you want to display to the public.

I believe you will find that the best antidote to the loneliness you feel right now is the company of same-sex friends. Church is a great place to begin, not only because Christian faith is such a powerful agent of relief, but also because churches -- especially larger ones -- tend to have lots of separate events for men and women.

I don't advise you to decide that you absolutely will not date, because that may create the "forbidden fruit" scenario. I also don't advise you to seek people out for the purpose of dating. Healthy women seek out healthy men and right now you are not healthy. That means the women you will attract right now will be of the bat-crazy variety. Really.

The only major piece of advice about dating with kids that I will offer is this: any woman you are dating should meet your children as soon as they become aware of her existence. Even if it's as simple as "running into her" in a store somewhere. Do not under any circumstances allow them to sit around imagining things about this other person, or feel as though you are hiding (even more) things from them.

Finally, E. M. Forster once wrote that, "The possession of leisure is a wonderful opportunity." If there's one good thing about your new situation, that's it. Your time is now your own in much greater measure than before. When you wonder what to do next, ask yourself what you've always wanted to do and never got around to doing. Motorcycling? Parasailing? Building a deck? Learning to kickbox? The world is your oyster. Go for it!

Best of luck to you.

Kathryn

+2. Very well said!